new plans

Chemo - done. Radiation - done. Tamoxifen - started in April. Ovarian suppression on a soft trial that will stop estrogen production for five years with the hope that this will lower risk of recurrence - first shot today, 64 to go. Let's see how the body reacts to this.

When I got engaged it was fun to talk about the house we would buy, or when we would get a dog, or how many kids we would have. Then we got married and the craziness of the wedding was our main topic of conversation. Then after the honeymoon a routine procedure turned into 9 months of hell. The conversation about a house was put on ice. Getting a dog was out of the question because we wouldn't have aforementioned home. Babies...babies were actually a big topic of conversation. The future of my fertility was becoming an innocent victim in the war on breast cancer. How is that something you never had can hurt so much to have taken away? The thought that I might not get the chance to be a mom was heartbreaking. I know, adoption, surrogacy, egg donation. I hated every person who said these words like it was an easy solution. An easy substitute. I'm not ready yet, but to have something else, something beyond my control, dictate what I can and can not do is just infuriating. The doctors told me my chance of being sterile was really low and I responded with "so wasn't my chance of getting cancer". We froze embryos and I have the same fear; these are our emergency back up plan but if they don't work...

The ovarian suppression trial will last for five years. Five years to prepare for the house, the dog (a boxer by the way) and a family. Five years to save up and build our careers a little bit more. Five years to pray to god that this doesn't come back because how could I bring a baby into the world and then leave her. I will be the godmother to my best friend's baby due next month. I will spoil this little one rotten and send him home all sugared up just in time for bed. And we will travel.
Here are our top 14 destinations in no particular order. We WILL get there.

1. Italy
2. Australia
3. California
4. Grand Canyon
5. Bermuda
6. Toronto
7. Ireland
8. Chicago / St. Louis
9. Vegas
10. Colorado
11. Holland
12. Hawaii
13. Prince Edward Island
14. Tokyo

Yes, clearly we are working at being positive. I have to believe that this has made me stronger. I believe that I will be a kick ass mom someday. And I will tell my little girl all about how her mom kicked cancer's ass, wore pink and rocked a pixie cut. I believe that because I have to.

It is such a basic right of passage, love, marriage, family. I think that is what is so hard, these are things you just expect to happen as your grow up. Never really see that wrench thrown in there.
Here is what I do know, our vows have so much more meaning than I ever imagined. For better or worse have taken on a totally new meaning for my husband and I. We were tested early in our marriage, so when we do have kids...they had better be saints. :)